Bad things happen when you listen to stupid people

badadvice (1)


It’s been a while since I have written a post. Thanks to all those who still visited the site during my hiatus.

I will be the first to admit that I am very contrary by nature and hate being told what to do. Hey, I guess it’s the Taurean in me. Perhaps that why certain life coaches/dating experts just do not appeal to me. Now don’t get me wrong, I know of a lot of people personally and professionally who do a very good job in helping people deal with unresolved issues and enable them to develop the tools to empower themselves.

What I object to is the snake oil salesman variety of dating guru who thinks that all it takes is a few catchy slogans and a sharp suit to declare himself an authority on matters of the heart. What I find really galling is that the majority of these men are not even in happy relationships yet feel they have the right to tell others how they should find a partner. The whole thing smacks of ‘physician heal thyself’. I won’t go to a hairdresser with a bad hairdo nor would I sit in a dentist’s chair if said dentist is not sporting a set of pearly whites.

Black women are not a monolithic group and have a wide range of attributes that they want in a partner, let’s for arguments sake agree on a few basic characteristics that most women would probably like in a partner – loving, honest and faithful. The joke is that the king of dating gurus, Steve Harvey is a womaniser. These dating gurus are trying to give women advice on how to find the type of men who are their complete antithesis. How could they know what would attract a decent man if they are not a decent man in the first place?

It also alerts my ‘spidey’ senses that these life coach aficionados always target the female audience. True wisdom should be universal and a benefit to all. Not for these guys, they actively seek the female pound/dollar. I don’t believe that women are more susceptible to being told what do than men. What I do believe is that they are tapping into society’s mistaken belief that women are defined by their relationship status. To be unmarried post 35 is some kind of sin for which women should be publicly flogged in the streets. However single men of a similar age are just reviewing their options. It is really disappointing that so many women easily believe that these individuals can unlock the secrets of the male mind. These dating gurus typically reveal the thinking of traditional, knuckle dragging cavemen who don’t really like women very much. In their world, everything is the women’s fault. Women are not supportive enough, don’t dress appropriately, are too difficult, are too demanding and don’t allow men to be men. You wouldn’t think that it takes two people to make a relationship work. There is one dating guru in particular, I refuse to name him (I will not be giving him free publicity on this blog) who blamed women with large exteriors for being disrespected by men. In no uncertain terms this is the policing of female sexuality while giving men a pass for misogynistic behaviour. It’s really depressing that these jokers are making money by preying on the insecurities of women while removing male responsibility for how they treat women. It makes absolutely no sense to take the advice of a man who dislikes women. The chances are that the information given will not be for any woman’s benefit.

Misinformation is another big red flag. Why do so many of these men all claim to be God fearing individuals? If you are claiming that you are basing a lot of your works on scripture, then you have to follow the word – chapter and verse. Steve Harvey et al all promote Christianity but also promote sex outside of marriage. There should be no talk of giving the cookie (as Mr Harvey puts it); if you are only going to have sex once you are married? If you claim to be something but do not act upon it – that makes you a fraud. Do I claim to be perfect? No. However, I am not pretending to have some God given authority on how to tell people to live their lives.
If this has not be enough to help you be able to spot these charlatans at thirty paces, here is a short checklist of their most common attributes.

• In possession of a sharp suit
• Usually not in the possession of any meaningful qualifications (Anything you can acquire online requiring less than a fortnight’s worth of study is not a meaningful qualification)
• Typically unmarried or divorced. The married experts have usually been married for just over 5 years
• They will without fail describe themselves as ‘God fearing’ in their bio
• If the relationship coaching doesn’t work out for them, they will reinvent themselves as Pastors or used car salesmen
• Lastly, if in doubt that this is a relationship expert, they will blame women for everything. Absolutely everything. Ladies, global warming and the financial meltdown is entirely your fault.

All jokes aside some of these relationship experts are nothing more than money hungry frauds looking for a quick buck. Although they are easy to poke fun at they represent a desire by some to drag women back to the dark ages, they are gatekeepers of the status quo. As women, Black women in particular have made strides educationally and economically their requirements of what they want in a mate have expanded. These relationship experts are all too happy to spread the myth that there is a good man shortage to induce panic/desperation and that all men want a clingy, needy woman who does their bidding. These relationship experts want women to return to a time when a woman was largely defined by her relationship status. They want to encourage Black women to put everyone else first and themselves last.

I am not against seeking professional advice; I just think it is wise to show discernment in whose advice we take. If I want relationship advice, I will speak to people in long term, happy unions. I will not listen to some ‘reformed player’ or a woman who accepts maltreatment from her own partner. Unfortunately life does not come with a manual and we will make mistakes, be hurt and sometimes hurt others. This is just part of the course. We have to deal with this and cannot give away our power and responsibility to these experts who are happy to take our money and provide a one size fits all approach to our problems. Only we can ‘fix’ our problems, some power dressed ‘expert’ will not save but only confuse us.

Please let me know your thoughts


Fear of the singleton


I have never understood the mixture of suspicion and pity that single people seem to evoke. It is inferred that the singleton must have an inherent character flaw so awful, so deviant, that no one else can be bothered to put up with them. There is also the presumption that everyone wants to be married or in a serious relationships and those who don’t are too romantically challenged to follow the supposed natural order.

I was more than aware of the audible sigh of relief from friends and family when my partner and I moved into the official and serious zone. Previously, the line of questioning used to be when was I going to meet a nice man, it’s now ‘When are you going to get married?’ I don’t understand why my private life seems to be up for public debate? It’s called a private life for a reason. I know that a lot of the questions are steeped in concern but why aren’t married couples ever asked publicly why they are together; was it the fear of dying alone or being the last friend/sibling to marry which convinced them to settle? The general unspoken rules of etiquette protects couples being asked such questions but apparently the unmarried are fair game.

Now look, as readers of this blog are aware I am very pro marriage. I think it provides the emotional, legal and spiritual foundations for a couple to take their relationship to the next level. However, marriage is a serious business and not everyone wants it, is ready for it or has found the right person to make a lifelong commitment to. I know many people who have settled for fear of collecting dust on the shelf or were more obsessed about the big day instead of being filled with those all consuming butterflies at the thought of inhaling their partners’ morning breath forever.

There are no guarantees in life but I think that we make things far easier on ourselves when people do the right things for the right reasons. I can’t see there being any positives to being with someone in order to be validated by others. Relationships though rewarding, are hard work. It only make sense to put in that much hard graft with someone you genuinely love. That way whatever the outcome, the time spent with that person can only be a positive experience. That said, there are many people who are in loving happy relationships and want everyone to experience their happiness. Likewise there are single people who love their freedom and are very satisfied with their very full lives.

What I fail to understand is why singledom is looked upon with such disdain? I have had various online debates with very immature individuals who have insinuated that because I am a feminist that I must be single or I soon will be if I carry on with my bra burning mantras. Being in a relationship does not prove my worth as a woman. Nor does being a feminist make me some man hating, unreasonable harpie. Finally, my relationship status should only concern myself and my partner and not some infantile troll on the Internet. It also disturbs me that being single is seen as a derogatory term for women. Just look at the term spinster, for starters it half rhymes with sinister. It really is just another word to describe an old witch living with her many cats. In stark comparison, men are allowed the space to revel in their bachelorhood, likening themselves to George Clooney although the vast majority are not dating models if any women at all.

The upshot is we are not all the same. Some are ready for relationships, some are not, some are searching for the right one, some are more than content on their own. We do not need to be doing exactly the same thing at exact the same time in order to validate our life choices. Speaking from experience, I have previously dated simply because I was tired of being single and it always ended badly. All we can do is live authentically, making the best choices with the information we have at the time. Life for married and single people in general would be a lot simpler if we all just minded our own damn business.

Please let me know your thoughts


The three letter word


Love might be a battlefield but sex is most definitely a minefield. It’s an activity which some fear, some crave and others use as leverage over another. The female form is such a public commodity, yet female sexuality invokes such fear in men that society goes to great lengths to repress the female libido.

The traditional view is that women should be under the gaze of men. We do not have sexual feelings of our own instead our role is to evoke desire from men. So in short women are sexually passive and unless we are attractive enough to be desired by men there is very little point to our existence. We incite but do not receive sexual gratification. This way of thinking is not only ridiculous but it’s very dangerous. It places the responsibility of sexual violence on the victim (typically women) away from the aggressor (typically men). The crime becomes the incitement of sexual violence as opposed to the act itself. It also sets women up to believe that their only value is in their sexuality.

This is a bum deal any which way you look at it. Women are encouraged to become sexual objects and yet are blamed when their objectification becomes violent or predatory such as rape or prostitution. If it’s fair to assume that most men enjoy sex why is there such resistance to women becoming sexual beings as opposed to sexual objects? In 2012, women are still being discussed in terms of their sexuality and fertility. Issues such as contraception and abortion are being debated by men in a Presidential campaign. In various African and Middle Eastern countries, female mutilation is still used as a means to control female sexual activity. By removing the tip of the clitoris, parts of the surrounding labia and sewing up the rest of the vagina just to leave enough room for menstruation and urine; it ensures that the act is so painful that it is unlikely that she will seek extra marital sex. In the West, authors such as Steve Harvey still associate shame with female sexuality, blaming women for sleeping with men early in their relationship as justification for a man not to see her as potential wife material.

Linking shame and female sexuality has been spread by all of the main religions. Traditional gender roles devised by men were endorsed by religious doctrine. I am a woman of faith and as I have stated before only God has dominion over me. That said I could not honestly endorse sexual recklessness as I believe we are all precious and should treat our bodies as such. However, I cannot endorse hypocritical specialist treatment of one group of people based on their gender, race or creed. A woman should be free to express her sexuality free from reproach. There are some women who are completely asexual, others who have no intention of having one sexual partner and those who are waiting for marriage before having sex. No one has the right to coerce shame or influence what a woman does or does not do with her body.

That freedom should be grasped by Black women. At present, Black female sexuality is badly misrepresented. We are often presented as insatiable, exotic nymphomaniacs. In the past I have been approached by White men who were curious about being with a Black woman. I have no idea what they expected, a simultaneous juggling act, fireworks or an accompanying brass band? Women are women. That may have destroyed the fantasy for millions but it’s the boring truth. Within the Black community, Black female sexuality is also very limited. We get three options: the mother, Church/good girl or video vixen/gold digger. The virtuous mother puts her own desires on ice and makes her children/family her only focus. The good girl offers sex in return for marriage. At the other end of the spectrum we have the video vixen type who is one step away from a blow up doll with a pulse. In the music video or in the club you’ll find her shaking that booty for male valuation and cash.

Black women are varied and diverse. I refuse to be stereotyped by anyone. Sexual expression should be determined by the individual. My sexual history is not linked to my worth. I am always very suspicious of men who are overly interested in their partners’ romantic past. I think it has more to do with their low self-esteem and a fear of failing to satisfy their partner. On the flip side there is still the rampant over sexualisation of women. I don’t know why every female pop star has to become increasingly provocative to prove that she is an adult musician. I am also disappointed with the way Black women are presented in Hip Hop videos. These women are nothing more than accessories, making said rapper look like a Lothario at the expense of their self-respect. This isn’t sexual liberation it is sexual manipulation, reinforcing that a woman’s body is her key attribute. Ultimately, it is still a masculine ideal of female sexuality.

Women taking control of their sexuality undermines male’s dominance. It stops women seeking male validation. We are empowered to become more than our bodies and can focus on our own pleasures and accomplishments. It also elevates what women require in a mate, if they require a mate at all. This will be embraced by men who are looking for a union of equals. Those with low self-esteem will be the most resistant to female emancipation. They doubt that when given the choice that a woman would choose them. Black women should not accept any attempt to pigeonhole and stereotype them. I do not have to be a virgin to be valued by men nor do I have to express my sexuality like a man in order to claim the same sexual rights as one.

Please let me know your thoughts