Men are not for sharing

Welcome

I have never been entirely convinced by the idea that men struggle with fidelity. I don’t believe that their sex drives are so high that if they do not have it away with a different woman every day of the week that they will self combust. This type of thinking is really disrespectful to scores of men out there. It debases them, making men out to be mindless drones controlled by their hormones. It’s very simple, if men want to be faithful, they will be.

That said; where does the belief that men struggle with fidelity and that somehow women do not comes from? As we all know both men and women cheat. In the UK a statistician, Dr Catherine Mercer spoke to 2000 people and questioned them about their sexual activity within a year. 15% of men had been unfaithful compared to 9% of women (source: BBC) Based on this small study and general consensus we can ascertain that men are still more likely to cheat. However, the chances are that they are cheating with single women who wouldn’t appear in these stats but whose behaviour is just as complicit.

The big question is why do we expect men to find it hard to remain sexually exclusive? Male sexuality is seen as this insatiable, uncontrollable force. Yes I am a feminist but here’s a news flash, I like men. I even live with one. I don’t deny that the average man thinks about sex more than the average woman but how they express their sexuality is complicated and dependent on the individual.

So the next big question is why are men encouraged to demonstrate their sexuality in a uniformed way. It all boils down to gender stereotypes. Women are supposed to crave love but hate sex, men love sex but hate emotion and so both parties trade to get what they want. Women who step out of this norm and dare admit that they love sex are sluts and men who admit that they like snuggling are seen as wimps. Ultimately control is name of the game. If a man has sex with a lot of women, the chances that he will have a limited emotional connection, if any with his sleeping partners. That detachment brings control. He can come and go as he pleases; his conquests’ emotional well being is not a priority, if it were he would not be sleeping around. True strength of character comes from being vulnerable and genuine with the people in your life. I think that serial cheaters prevent themselves from having honest, loving relationships.

Whenever I have debated men and fidelity, the polygamy counter argument rears its ugly head. Men aren’t meant to be faithful; one man can impregnate several women at a time, blah blah blah. What a lot of men fail to realise is that in all polygamous society only the wealthy could afford to marry. This would typically be the elder men in the community who had land, wealth and livestock. The upshot being that poorer, younger men would be excluded from the marriage pool. There are areas in the world where this practice continues. These unmarried men are more likely to partake in risky illegal behaviours. Joe Henrich, a leading anthropologist saw a rise of rapes, gang activity general disturbance in men who stood little chance of marrying. Love and family life gives a man motivation to invest in the wider community. I am intrigued to see how countries such as China and India will fare in the future. Both countries have seen a massive decline in the female population due to, infanticide, sex selection abortions and the one child policy. According to a study by the BBC, 8 million female foetuses were aborted in India in the last decade. By 2030 projections suggest that 25% of the male Chinese population will never marry due to the low number of female to male ratio (Source Forbes magazine). It would be ironic that an enforced bachelor life might bring about more social disturbance than war or a financial crisis. It just highlights how strong the human desire is to love, be loved, to care and be cared for by others.

To conclude, monogamy works. Now I am not a member of the sex police. There are many people who don’t want conventional relationships. What two consenting and equally informed adults get up to is their business. At different points of our lives we look for different things in our relationships. In my early 20’s marriage was the last thing on my mind. The point of this post is that I don’t believe that men are hard wired to be unfaithful. I do believe that men are encouraged to focus on the physical pleasure and not necessarily the emotional connection to be found in sex. This way of thinking hurts us all. In order to have a real connection we all have to be honest and vulnerable or what’s the point? The love that we are shown and we show to others are the ties that bind us to our families, communities etc. Monogamous relationships instead of being perceived as the ball and chain provide the platform to experience emotional, spiritual and physical love. That type of love requires concentration, tenacity and most importantly exclusivity. None of us have enough within to give that type of love to several people at a time.

Please let me know your thoughts

Sudelicious

Revolution of one

Welcome

Unfortunately, I haven’t returned refreshed from a holiday in the Maldives. Life is still hectic but most importantly the desire to write has returned. Many thanks for bearing with me.

I have written about love before but usually I focus on relationships and romantic love. During my hiatus I have been dwelling on the power of self-love. Once we have peace within ourselves we increase the probability of finding contentment within various aspects of our lives be it a job, family or relationships. I do believe that having that approach to life is a revolutionary act because it is the only way that we are truly free. Only by placing our internal desires ahead of societal or familial pressures do we get to exert free will. That is the battle, the challenge for us all.

Every day, we are bombarded with images, which leave us with a sense of inadequacy. I don’t have the right car, house, lifestyle, body or job. The point of advertising is to create a need where there really isn’t one. If your car is still running, you don’t really need a new one. Our internal happiness is not related to our external appearance. Contrary to popular belief, finding true love is not dependent on being a size eight with a DD cup size. We follow this shallow nonsense because we desperately want to believe that there is a clear cut path to happiness. That we can somehow buy our way out of sorrow, doubt or pain. That we can pin all of our happiness onto one thing, I will be happy when I get that new job/partner/lose a dress size. Focusing on the superficial is the original avoidance technique. We can run as fast as we like but we cannot run away from ourselves.

Societal pressures forces us to conform not just to materialism but to prop up an existing pecking order. Race, gender and sexual orientation are all social constructs designed to uphold White patriarchy by spreading insecurity and fear to ensure conformity. If young Black men are continually told that they face unemployment and incarceration, the hope is that this information will take root in said young men and the majority will not fight against what they believe to be inevitable. If we tell young Black women that only light skinned Black women are attractive and that women of darker hue are of no value, the hope is that Black women will be locked in a battle to be ‘The fairest of them all’. This mentality pits Black women against each other, encouraging some to damage their bodies with lightening creams and pass this self hate to future generations. In short this is just a smoke screen to distract people from living happy, contented and most importantly authentic lives.

This is where self love comes in. Love is not just warm and fuzzy; it has a steely element to it. If you have love for yourself, you have the ability to exercise discernment. Not everyone will have your best interest at heart. It takes strength to know who to follow, to ignore, to let enter your life and who to walk away from. None of this is easy but it is all very necessary. I refuse to engage with or financially support Black male artists who promote negative beliefs or stereotypes about Black women. Likewise I will not support Black women who publicly bash all Black men as I was raised by a loving Black father. I will not allow people of other races who wish to be disrespectful about my colour or gender to affect me. That is to give the ignorant far too much power and control. They do not affect how I feel about myself, I do. Their agenda is to reduce me to a negative stereotype and to prevent me from having the courage to live and love freely. Trying to cajole or force another’s validation is a fool’s errand. Perhaps I am wrong but I find that intolerance is usually fuelled by insecurity. Rather than working on the aspects of their lives that need to be improved, they find someone who they can feel superior to. It is virtually impossible to be liked by someone who does not like themselves.

So why is love a revolutionary idea. Simply, it is the only way in which we are all free. If we truly believe that we are ‘Fearfully and wonderfully made’ (Psalm 139:14) who do we have to prove anything to? I know that this is not an easy concept to execute. On a daily basis I flit from lioness mode to a quivering wreck but it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try. If we live our lives with love and authenticity we don’t get lost in the crowd, we don’t ask the world to cherish the individual when it seeks to control the masses. We can only hope that if we all follow our own paths, that the generation to come will do the same. That is the true power of social change; it takes only one person to start a revolution.

Please let me know your thoughts

Sudelicious

Submit, submit, submit!!

Welcome

Submission is a loaded word especially within relationships. Personally I don’t like it. I suppose that I should have waited to the conclusion to drop that bombshell but I thought it best to lay my cards on the table. Submission is about control and more importantly it’s about female control. It’s an ideology which seeks to determine what women think and do. I have debated this topic with various people who all try to convince me that the word just has a bad press and that there is more to submission than meets my cynical eye. Yet I am resolute, I just do not understand why any man would want a submissive woman. Surely a life partner who supports and challenges you does more for your personal growth than a mute ‘Stepford wife’?

To truly understand what submission means, let’s look at the word itself.

sub•mis•sion/səbˈmiSHən/
Noun: 1. The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.
2. An act of surrendering to a hold by one’s opponent.
Synonyms: obedience – subjection – subordination
(Source: Oxford Dictionary)

I just can’t see where submission has a place in a loving relationship. When I think of the word ‘yield’ I imagine my partner lurking in the shadows ready to pounce and wrestle me to the ground. I also cannot get on board with the idea of yielding to a ‘superior force’ or ‘the will or authority of another’. Women are expected to submit to men, therefore is a male a superior force just because of his gender? All because I was exposed to more X chromosome than Y chromosome in the womb am I now relegated to taking a passive position in life or regarded as a second class citizen devoid of any authority in the world or in my own relationship? I believe that love empowers people; it makes them the best that they can be. How can I be empowered and submissive at the same time?

I am a woman of faith and I am always brought back to the same part of scripture by those defending female submission:

‘Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing[a]her by the washing with water through the word,and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.’
Ephesians 5:22-33 NIV

The Bible is a spiritual and historical book. The world at the start of the millennia was very different place from the one we have now. Women were not educated and their upkeep was wholly dependent on their husbands. Women could not vote or have any say about any aspect of public life. A woman’s role was to care for children and the home. These women were completely at the mercy of their husbands as they had no means to generate an income. In that era it would have been unfathomable to think that a mere two thousand years later that women would become heads of state, breadwinners or just self sufficient individuals. Modern women cannot be expected to behave or condone behaviour that was accepted two thousand years ago. I also struggle with the idea of submitting myself to a man in the same way that I would show deference to God. Human beings are fallible; I don’t see how any mortal man has the spiritual authority to be my saviour.

I have been to several weddings were this quotation has been read out. In almost every instance the main emphasis has been about the wife’s submission and very little focus is placed upon the husband’s responsibilities to the marriage. I find it ironic that the little submissive wife is held accountable for the success of the relationship. I have sat through a few homilies (by men and women) which have gone on at great length to state how men need to be respected, how nagging erodes a man sense of self worth, how women must be patient with their men and follow through with their decisions even if they are wrong. It is not the place of a mere wife to point out her husband’s shortcomings. He will arrive at a level of higher understanding by himself. Yet I have rarely heard a pastor or priest informing a groom that he should be prepared to sacrifice his life for his wife or that all of his actions should place her happiness at the forefront. The quotation asks for a woman’s submission in exchange for her husband’s continued sacrifice. It seems like a bum deal if Christian women are being asked to be submissive in the first instance and remain silent even if their husbands do not live up to their end of the bargain.

Very fixed gender roles are a disservice to both men and women. They portray women as whiny harridans who need to know their place. No two women will be the same type of wife. Different women are just that, different. It also suggests that all a woman can bring to a marriage is a womb, clean laundry, cooked meals and a warm bed. This completely disregards the various skills that each woman has. What if I am better at handling finances than my husband, am I correct in letting him lose the household money for fear of denting his manly pride? There is also an inference that men have a fragile sense of their masculinity. Would they suddenly morph into emasculated eunuchs if not treated like deities in their homes? A real man does not have to beat his chest in order to know what his gender is. I am always very suspicious of anyone who needs others to be weak in order to have a full sense of self. These types of people do not need a subservient partner; they probably need some form of counselling.

This type of thinking is not just prevalent in certain churches, mosques or temples. I have met many men who are atheists or do not believe in a formalised religion but hold the ideal of the submissive wife close to their hearts. Apparently, feminism has ruined everything with women behaving like men and undermining the role of men in society. Men of this ilk need to stop focusing on what women are doing and look at what they are bringing to the table. They cannot complain when single mothers and absentee fathers are on the rise. For the record, I am totally against pitting the sexes against each other. The fact is we need one another. However, I celebrate the fact that women have more options than ever before. Women have greater choices and have higher expectation of potential partners. They don’t just need a breadwinner to keep a roof over their head; they need a life partner to love, cherish and grow old with.

Love is a choice and keeping that love depends on a series of choices made everyday. I choose to do things to make my partner happy because making him happy makes me happy. Likewise, I am sure that he would prefer to watch the football instead of proof reading my posts but he does it to show his support for my work. We are not mutually considerate because we are yielding to one another; we choose to make the other happy. There are many women who are happy being housewives and expect their husbands to make the final decisions about their lives. However, it is still a choice made by those couples. Everyone should be free to forge the type of relationship which works for them, with each person having the space to develop and grow in that union. Submission is about control not consideration. Why would anyone want to be controlled by the person they choose to be with? Real love is something that cannot be forced; it develops of its own accord. If I have free will to believe in God, surely I am free to demonstrate how I love the man in my life.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Sudelicious