Are you ready for your close up?

Image

Welcome 

I am sending out a casting call into cyberspace. Those of you who have been following the blog for a while know that I am in the midst of creating a documentary about marriage in the Black Community. 

I am looking for people with unique stories to add to my film. 

  • Couples who have been in successful long term marriages or other committed unions.
  • Men and women looking for love
  • People who been married several times
  • People who are vehemently anti marriage
  • Individuals who wound only date/marry a very specific type of person – be it race, status, nationality, interests etc.
  • People who have set up dating agencies/events for people of colour

The tone of my documentary will be  empowering and respectful. My film will bear no relation to the many reality TV shows on our screens. 

My budget can only accommodate individuals living in the United Kingdom. I intend to cover the US with the sequel 🙂 

If you have any questions or are interested in taking part email me: suddie@sudelicous.com 

Please spread the word 

Thanking you all 

Sudelicious 

Bad things happen when you listen to stupid people

badadvice (1)

Welcome

It’s been a while since I have written a post. Thanks to all those who still visited the site during my hiatus.

I will be the first to admit that I am very contrary by nature and hate being told what to do. Hey, I guess it’s the Taurean in me. Perhaps that why certain life coaches/dating experts just do not appeal to me. Now don’t get me wrong, I know of a lot of people personally and professionally who do a very good job in helping people deal with unresolved issues and enable them to develop the tools to empower themselves.

What I object to is the snake oil salesman variety of dating guru who thinks that all it takes is a few catchy slogans and a sharp suit to declare himself an authority on matters of the heart. What I find really galling is that the majority of these men are not even in happy relationships yet feel they have the right to tell others how they should find a partner. The whole thing smacks of ‘physician heal thyself’. I won’t go to a hairdresser with a bad hairdo nor would I sit in a dentist’s chair if said dentist is not sporting a set of pearly whites.

Black women are not a monolithic group and have a wide range of attributes that they want in a partner, let’s for arguments sake agree on a few basic characteristics that most women would probably like in a partner – loving, honest and faithful. The joke is that the king of dating gurus, Steve Harvey is a womaniser. These dating gurus are trying to give women advice on how to find the type of men who are their complete antithesis. How could they know what would attract a decent man if they are not a decent man in the first place?

It also alerts my ‘spidey’ senses that these life coach aficionados always target the female audience. True wisdom should be universal and a benefit to all. Not for these guys, they actively seek the female pound/dollar. I don’t believe that women are more susceptible to being told what do than men. What I do believe is that they are tapping into society’s mistaken belief that women are defined by their relationship status. To be unmarried post 35 is some kind of sin for which women should be publicly flogged in the streets. However single men of a similar age are just reviewing their options. It is really disappointing that so many women easily believe that these individuals can unlock the secrets of the male mind. These dating gurus typically reveal the thinking of traditional, knuckle dragging cavemen who don’t really like women very much. In their world, everything is the women’s fault. Women are not supportive enough, don’t dress appropriately, are too difficult, are too demanding and don’t allow men to be men. You wouldn’t think that it takes two people to make a relationship work. There is one dating guru in particular, I refuse to name him (I will not be giving him free publicity on this blog) who blamed women with large exteriors for being disrespected by men. In no uncertain terms this is the policing of female sexuality while giving men a pass for misogynistic behaviour. It’s really depressing that these jokers are making money by preying on the insecurities of women while removing male responsibility for how they treat women. It makes absolutely no sense to take the advice of a man who dislikes women. The chances are that the information given will not be for any woman’s benefit.

Misinformation is another big red flag. Why do so many of these men all claim to be God fearing individuals? If you are claiming that you are basing a lot of your works on scripture, then you have to follow the word – chapter and verse. Steve Harvey et al all promote Christianity but also promote sex outside of marriage. There should be no talk of giving the cookie (as Mr Harvey puts it); if you are only going to have sex once you are married? If you claim to be something but do not act upon it – that makes you a fraud. Do I claim to be perfect? No. However, I am not pretending to have some God given authority on how to tell people to live their lives.
If this has not be enough to help you be able to spot these charlatans at thirty paces, here is a short checklist of their most common attributes.

• In possession of a sharp suit
• Usually not in the possession of any meaningful qualifications (Anything you can acquire online requiring less than a fortnight’s worth of study is not a meaningful qualification)
• Typically unmarried or divorced. The married experts have usually been married for just over 5 years
• They will without fail describe themselves as ‘God fearing’ in their bio
• If the relationship coaching doesn’t work out for them, they will reinvent themselves as Pastors or used car salesmen
• Lastly, if in doubt that this is a relationship expert, they will blame women for everything. Absolutely everything. Ladies, global warming and the financial meltdown is entirely your fault.

All jokes aside some of these relationship experts are nothing more than money hungry frauds looking for a quick buck. Although they are easy to poke fun at they represent a desire by some to drag women back to the dark ages, they are gatekeepers of the status quo. As women, Black women in particular have made strides educationally and economically their requirements of what they want in a mate have expanded. These relationship experts are all too happy to spread the myth that there is a good man shortage to induce panic/desperation and that all men want a clingy, needy woman who does their bidding. These relationship experts want women to return to a time when a woman was largely defined by her relationship status. They want to encourage Black women to put everyone else first and themselves last.

I am not against seeking professional advice; I just think it is wise to show discernment in whose advice we take. If I want relationship advice, I will speak to people in long term, happy unions. I will not listen to some ‘reformed player’ or a woman who accepts maltreatment from her own partner. Unfortunately life does not come with a manual and we will make mistakes, be hurt and sometimes hurt others. This is just part of the course. We have to deal with this and cannot give away our power and responsibility to these experts who are happy to take our money and provide a one size fits all approach to our problems. Only we can ‘fix’ our problems, some power dressed ‘expert’ will not save but only confuse us.

Please let me know your thoughts

Sudelicious

Fear of the singleton

Welcome

I have never understood the mixture of suspicion and pity that single people seem to evoke. It is inferred that the singleton must have an inherent character flaw so awful, so deviant, that no one else can be bothered to put up with them. There is also the presumption that everyone wants to be married or in a serious relationships and those who don’t are too romantically challenged to follow the supposed natural order.

I was more than aware of the audible sigh of relief from friends and family when my partner and I moved into the official and serious zone. Previously, the line of questioning used to be when was I going to meet a nice man, it’s now ‘When are you going to get married?’ I don’t understand why my private life seems to be up for public debate? It’s called a private life for a reason. I know that a lot of the questions are steeped in concern but why aren’t married couples ever asked publicly why they are together; was it the fear of dying alone or being the last friend/sibling to marry which convinced them to settle? The general unspoken rules of etiquette protects couples being asked such questions but apparently the unmarried are fair game.

Now look, as readers of this blog are aware I am very pro marriage. I think it provides the emotional, legal and spiritual foundations for a couple to take their relationship to the next level. However, marriage is a serious business and not everyone wants it, is ready for it or has found the right person to make a lifelong commitment to. I know many people who have settled for fear of collecting dust on the shelf or were more obsessed about the big day instead of being filled with those all consuming butterflies at the thought of inhaling their partners’ morning breath forever.

There are no guarantees in life but I think that we make things far easier on ourselves when people do the right things for the right reasons. I can’t see there being any positives to being with someone in order to be validated by others. Relationships though rewarding, are hard work. It only make sense to put in that much hard graft with someone you genuinely love. That way whatever the outcome, the time spent with that person can only be a positive experience. That said, there are many people who are in loving happy relationships and want everyone to experience their happiness. Likewise there are single people who love their freedom and are very satisfied with their very full lives.

What I fail to understand is why singledom is looked upon with such disdain? I have had various online debates with very immature individuals who have insinuated that because I am a feminist that I must be single or I soon will be if I carry on with my bra burning mantras. Being in a relationship does not prove my worth as a woman. Nor does being a feminist make me some man hating, unreasonable harpie. Finally, my relationship status should only concern myself and my partner and not some infantile troll on the Internet. It also disturbs me that being single is seen as a derogatory term for women. Just look at the term spinster, for starters it half rhymes with sinister. It really is just another word to describe an old witch living with her many cats. In stark comparison, men are allowed the space to revel in their bachelorhood, likening themselves to George Clooney although the vast majority are not dating models if any women at all.

The upshot is we are not all the same. Some are ready for relationships, some are not, some are searching for the right one, some are more than content on their own. We do not need to be doing exactly the same thing at exact the same time in order to validate our life choices. Speaking from experience, I have previously dated simply because I was tired of being single and it always ended badly. All we can do is live authentically, making the best choices with the information we have at the time. Life for married and single people in general would be a lot simpler if we all just minded our own damn business.

Please let me know your thoughts

Sudelicious.

Where is the love?

Photo Credit – Copyright New Line Cinema

Welcome

‘Love and Basketball’ is one of my favourite films. Unlike most romantic dramas it doesn’t gloss over the fact that relationships are hard work. It is also one of the few beautiful Black love stories on the big screen. If an alien were to land on earth and watch the majority of Black cinema or mass media in general, he would probably deduce that Black men and women do not like each other very much. The majority of mainstream Black films portray dysfunctional interactions between Black people. Now I am all for tackling tough issues such as child abuse in ‘Precious’ or infidelity in ‘Why did I get married?’ What I don’t understand is why the Black community is so happy to perpetuate and buy into such negative images of themselves? Why are there so few examples of Black love in today’s mainstream media? Are these films not normalising dysfunctional behaviour and presenting it as some twisted version of Black reality?

The Black community is still plagued with incorrect and limiting stereotypes even in the era of supposed post racialism. In reality, Black women have increased their educational and financial opportunities. As a result, the stereotypes of Black women is developing from the overweight maid or finger snapping ghetto queen to the lonely, unapproachable, career woman. Another stereotypical Black female persona is the damaged woman who was either betrayed as an adult or abused as a child and this explains why she is always angry and pushes men away. The upshot is that Black women are either fat and undesirable or attractive and angry. Black men don’t fare any better. The tragic killing of Trayvon Martin only highlights the power of the stereotype that Black men are hyper aggressive predators. If the Black man is not portrayed as ‘get rich or die trying’ hustler the other typical stereotype is the bumbling feckless buffoon. The only threat that the buffoon offers is to his own self respect.

So if everyone in the Black community is completely dysfunctional it would stand to reason why there are low levels of marriage – we are all too crazy to settle down! This is of course hogwash. My parents have been happily married for nearly forty years. The majority of my Black female friends are also happily married to Black men. I have stated that in the UK and US Black men are falling behind Black women economically and educationally. This is making it harder for professional Black women to find suitable partners but it is far from impossible. In researching my film, I came across some bizarre and ridiculous ‘facts’. Apparently an educated Black woman has more chance of being hit by lightning than getting married. I also read statistics stating that 70% of Black women are single. When you remove the unmarried teens, divorcees and widows the figure is a lot closer to 59% (source Surviving Dating.com). Even then this number does not include gay women, cohabiting couples and those who don’t wish to marry.

The more educated Black women become the richer they become which leads to a greater say in society and changing the status quo. The hope must be that if Black women spend more time obsessing about their love lives, less time will be spent on becoming even more prosperous and influential. We live in a White patriarchal society where there are few winners and many losers. It is in these winners’s interest to retain the status quo. White women were fed a similar line a mere decade ago. I recall being constantly bombarded with medical reports stating that women’s fertility goes kaput after 35, the chances of ovarian cancer are raised if you haven’t been pregnant by your late thirties or that successful business women were more likely to end up married and childless. Career women were given a choice, choose either your personal or professional life – you can’t have both. This was scaremongering – pure and simple, an attempt to get women out of the boardroom and back in the kitchen. Unlike White women, Black women have always been expected to work. The lack of opportunities and exposure to high paying jobs meant that Black men and women both had to financially contribute to keep their families afloat. Today, Black women have greater choices and wealth creation opportunities. This should be celebrated not curtailed.

The advancement of Black women has class ramifications also. I have to admit that I am not the biggest Tyler Perry fan. I respect him for being a major player in the film industry and proving that Black enterprise can successfully sell to a Black audience. However, I don’t agree with the messages in his films. They typically depict a successful but cold businesswoman or a detached, damaged woman who falls in love with a salt of the earth janitor/ex convict/blue collar worker. Black women are effectively being discouraged to date/marry men with aspirations. It is not a matter of snobbery if professional women want to marry and date professional men. Should the expectations of Black women be less than women of other races? I doubt that Hilary Clinton would have given Bill a second look if he had been a janitor. As Black women continue to have greater options in life it will also raise their expectations of the men that they choose to have a life with. I don’t think this is a bad thing; hopefully it will encourage Black men to raise their game educationally and economically in order to attract women with higher expectations. To advise Black women to ‘date down’ is an attempt to sabotage their growth. This sabotage does not just affect women; it prevents the whole community from moving forward. It is ridiculous that Black women are deemed to be snobs just because they have higher aspirations; surely it is just common sense to want a man in your life with common aspirations? Opposites attract but similar people tend to stay together.

It’s frustrating how readily the Black community receives and spreads this way of thinking. I recall as a child the furore which surrounded ‘The Crosby Show’. There were members of the Black community who cited that it wasn’t authentic enough, that the majority of Black people were not doctors and lawyers. I don’t recall hearing White people residing in urban areas complaining about the plausibility of ‘The Waltons’. Why do we as a community reject positive images of ourselves? Why can’t we have an ideal to aspire to? Why are we so prepared to accept broken relationships, criminality and mediocrity as our reality? I am straight out of suburbia, not Compton – does this make me any less Black? I refuse to accept that my ambitions and aspirations should be limited because of the colour of my skin, even if that information is coming from other Black people.

Women of all races should expect to have fulfilling relationships. I will not bow down to the naysayers who want Black women to believe that there are no suitable men for us or that we must settle for any man who shows an interest. Yes there is a lack of eligible men in the Black community. I hope that the advancement of Black women will put the onus on all Black men to do the same in equal numbers. If that doesn’t work there are men of other races for consideration. Accepting the status quo means that there will be no advancement in our community. We should celebrate what Black women have achieved in spite of all the obstacles before them. What’s really disappointing is that the majority of Black owned media rarely promote positive images of Black people. They tend to accept stereotypical images. If we accept these mediocre versions of ourselves, how can we hope to achieve or prosper? If we don’t expect to see loving images of ourselves on the big and small screens, it helps build the false belief that loving Black relationships are only for the lucky few. Black women must expect to be loved and must be free to be successful in their professional lives. Yes there is a lot a false statistics out there but as Flava Flav so eloquently put it ‘Don’t believe the hype!’

Please let me know your thoughts

Sudelicious

Submit, submit, submit!!

Welcome

Submission is a loaded word especially within relationships. Personally I don’t like it. I suppose that I should have waited to the conclusion to drop that bombshell but I thought it best to lay my cards on the table. Submission is about control and more importantly it’s about female control. It’s an ideology which seeks to determine what women think and do. I have debated this topic with various people who all try to convince me that the word just has a bad press and that there is more to submission than meets my cynical eye. Yet I am resolute, I just do not understand why any man would want a submissive woman. Surely a life partner who supports and challenges you does more for your personal growth than a mute ‘Stepford wife’?

To truly understand what submission means, let’s look at the word itself.

sub•mis•sion/səbˈmiSHən/
Noun: 1. The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.
2. An act of surrendering to a hold by one’s opponent.
Synonyms: obedience – subjection – subordination
(Source: Oxford Dictionary)

I just can’t see where submission has a place in a loving relationship. When I think of the word ‘yield’ I imagine my partner lurking in the shadows ready to pounce and wrestle me to the ground. I also cannot get on board with the idea of yielding to a ‘superior force’ or ‘the will or authority of another’. Women are expected to submit to men, therefore is a male a superior force just because of his gender? All because I was exposed to more X chromosome than Y chromosome in the womb am I now relegated to taking a passive position in life or regarded as a second class citizen devoid of any authority in the world or in my own relationship? I believe that love empowers people; it makes them the best that they can be. How can I be empowered and submissive at the same time?

I am a woman of faith and I am always brought back to the same part of scripture by those defending female submission:

‘Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing[a]her by the washing with water through the word,and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.’

Ephesians 5:22-33 NIV

The Bible is a spiritual and historical book. The world at the start of the millennia was very different place from the one we have now. Women were not educated and their upkeep was wholly dependent on their husbands. Women could not vote or have any say about any aspect of public life. A woman’s role was to care for children and the home. These women were completely at the mercy of their husbands as they had no means to generate an income. In that era it would have been unfathomable to think that a mere two thousand years later that women would become heads of state, breadwinners or just self sufficient individuals. Modern women cannot be expected to behave or condone behaviour that was accepted two thousand years ago. I also struggle with the idea of submitting myself to a man in the same way that I would show deference to God. Human beings are fallible; I don’t see how any mortal man has the spiritual authority to be my saviour.

I have been to several weddings were this quotation has been read out. In almost every instance the main emphasis has been about the wife’s submission and very little focus is placed upon the husband’s responsibilities to the marriage. I find it ironic that the little submissive wife is held accountable for the success of the relationship. I have sat through a few homilies (by men and women) which have gone on at great length to state how men need to be respected, how nagging erodes a man sense of self worth, how women must be patient with their men and follow through with their decisions even if they are wrong. It is not the place of a mere wife to point out her husband’s shortcomings. He will arrive at a level of higher understanding by himself. Yet I have rarely heard a pastor or priest informing a groom that he should be prepared to sacrifice his life for his wife or that all of his actions should place her happiness at the forefront. The quotation asks for a woman’s submission in exchange for her husband’s continued sacrifice. It seems like a bum deal if Christian women are being asked to be submissive in the first instance and remain silent even if their husbands do not live up to their end of the bargain.

Very fixed gender roles are a disservice to both men and women. They portray women as whiny harridans who need to know their place. No two women will be the same type of wife. Different women are just that, different. It also suggests that all a woman can bring to a marriage is a womb, clean laundry, cooked meals and a warm bed. This completely disregards the various skills that each woman has. What if I am better at handling finances than my husband, am I correct in letting him lose the household money for fear of denting his manly pride? There is also an inference that men have a fragile sense of their masculinity. Would they suddenly morph into emasculated eunuchs if not treated like deities in their homes? A real man does not have to beat his chest in order to know what his gender is. I am always very suspicious of anyone who needs others to be weak in order to have a full sense of self. These types of people do not need a subservient partner; they probably need some form of counselling.

This type of thinking is not just prevalent in certain churches, mosques or temples. I have met many men who are atheists or do not believe in a formalised religion but hold the ideal of the submissive wife close to their hearts. Apparently, feminism has ruined everything with women behaving like men and undermining the role of men in society. Men of this ilk need to stop focusing on what women are doing and look at what they are bringing to the table. They cannot complain when single mothers and absentee fathers are on the rise. For the record, I am totally against pitting the sexes against each other. The fact is we need one another. However, I celebrate the fact that women have more options than ever before. Women have greater choices and have higher expectation of potential partners. They don’t just need a breadwinner to keep a roof over their head; they need a life partner to love, cherish and grow old with.

Love is a choice and keeping that love depends on a series of choices made everyday. I choose to do things to make my partner happy because making him happy makes me happy. Likewise, I am sure that he would prefer to watch the football instead of proof reading my posts but he does it to show his support for my work. We are not mutually considerate because we are yielding to one another; we choose to make the other happy. There are many women who are happy being housewives and expect their husbands to make the final decisions about their lives. However, it is still a choice made by those couples. Everyone should be free to forge the type of relationship which works for them, with each person having the space to develop and grow in that union. Submission is about control not consideration. Why would anyone want to be controlled by the person they choose to be with? Real love is something that cannot be forced; it develops of its own accord. If I have free will to believe in God, surely I am free to demonstrate how I love the man in my life.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Sudelicious

Does marriage still work?

Welcome

I have been deliberating for the past few days over what my next post should be.  In researching for my new film ‘Black woman, white dress’  I have come across many theories as to why marriages in the black community and in general have been on the decline.

It suddenly occurred to me that it made sense to start with the notion of marriage itself. What does it mean to the modern woman? Is it an outmoded form of patriarchal dominance or still the best expression of a loving and life long commitment?

One thought that has always puzzled me is why marriage is presented as largely being beneficial for women only. Men are encouraged to ‘sow their wild oats’ and to dodge the old ‘ball and chain’. In stark contrast women are advised not to be too picky or be left collecting dust on the proverbial shelf. There a million and one articles in various women’s magazines giving a step by step account as to how you can snare your very own ‘Mr Right’.

At the turn of the last century women didn’t have the vote and until the 1980’s women couldn’t independently have a mortgage (in the UK). Marriage provided women with a roof over the heads in exchange for their fidelity, children and a well kept home.  I think that the main problem with marriage and relationships in general is that gender roles have not changed but modern men and women have.  Women are outperforming in education and the work place. In the UK female university admissions outnumber their male counterparts 51% to 49% (source BBC website) and it’s a similar tale in America, 57% of all graduates are women (source USA Today).

It would be very cynical to presume that all marriages were fuelled by economics. However, I think that a lack of viable economic alternatives forced women to take a far more pragmatic approach to their relationships. With growing financial independence, does marriage still have something to offer the modern woman?

The promise of economic stability has been replaced with the emotional solidity of a loving husband. Women are continuously bombarded with images promoting the idea of marriage. Little girls are encouraged to dream of that special day when they get to dress up as a princess. Stupid rom-com films (which I secretly like) compound the belief that a Mr Right will whisk you away from everything that sucks in your life, love you unconditionally forever and make your life perfect. Well meaning relatives keep asking you when you are going to get married and remind you of an elderly aunt who didn’t make the most of her chances in youth. The romantic dream behind marriage is promoted at every turn so what is the reality?

For many women it is hard graft! Working women are expected to do a full days work, come home and then be the primary care giver. Romantic unconditional love is replaced with laundry and sheer exhaustion. The person who is meant to complete you is only concerned with the whereabouts of his socks. Apparently, married women suffer the highest levels of stress (hypertension/high blood pressure etc) married men and unmarried women have the least amount of stress. (Source American Psychological Association)  Women are also the most likely to instigate divorce proceedings I have read reports stating that it is high as 70%. So what can we learn from this? Well, it would seem that men are the main beneficiaries of marriage. A wife will provide clean undies, cooked meals, a clean home and some kids.

In light of all of this evidence I am still very pro marriage. I think that the majority of the problems come from outmoded gender roles. Women are not looking for just a bread winner; we are looking for a life partner. A man who can change the babies’ nappies, make dinner without being threatened and knows how to operate the washing machine. I also don’t think that the heavily romanticised views that women have of marriage are helpful.  It is unfair to expect a man to give you a sense of fulfilment. It’s a task that we can only do for ourselves and to palm it off to another can only lead to disappointment.

I remember when I turned 30 and the vast majority of my friends were already married. I recall attending their weddings, feeling a mixture of happiness and envy. They had found their ‘Mr Right’ while my search continued. I think that it is very easy to be consumed by the beautiful bride, the moving ceremony and to forget that an actual marriage is more than a wedding day. It will take a lifetime to make it work. Some people find the right person early in life and others have a few frogs to kiss first. It is more important to do whatever works best for you at your own pace. I know many acquaintances who married to beat their 30th and still a spinster deadline. Four years on, not all of them are still married.

I do think that marriage is still relevant in the modern age. In order for it to work men and women have to be prepared to roll up their sleeves and get stuck in.

Please let me know your thoughts

Sudelicious

Who’s bride is it anyway?

Welcome

When deciding upon my first independent film, I thought it best to stick to a topic close to my heart. That left me with a decision to make my film either about food, shoes or men. At the time I had seen many articles on line stating that black women in the US and UK were the least likely to be married compared to other races. To add insult to injury many ‘reasons’ were given to explain this phenomenon, apparently we are too argumentative, too fussy, too materialistic, too overweight, too aggressive… I think you get the general gist. I even read another article claiming that an educated black woman of a certain age had more chance of being struck by lightning than getting married. Shoes and food no longer seemed that interesting.

These articles annoyed me on several levels. Firstly, it was the presumption that it’s every woman’s ultimate dream to be married as though it was some kind of prize or some badge of honour that we should all be aspiring to. That women are somehow passive spectators in the game of love waiting to be saved from spinsterhood. Being in a loving relationship is a wonderful thing but it does not define or validate who I am. Single girls are okay too and many have chosen to fly solo.

Secondly, I resent the implication that something is wrong with black women. I admit that as a black woman, I am slightly biased but I think that by and large we are awesome. If you were to read some of the material online you would think that we are anything but fabulous. Professional black women are shot down for having standards and wanting a man to have similar aspirations. Black women from lower socio-economic groups are caricatured as spandex wearing, overweight, promiscuous, gold digging baby mamas. The likes of Hilary Clinton or Kate Brady (UK female entrepreneur) can hold position of power without white women being labelled as a threat to white masculinity. Similarly, Kim Kardashian or Katie Price can have numerous sexual relationships without all white women being seen as sluts. If I hear one more man state that all black women are gold-diggers, I may tear out my weave. I doubt that white young women throw themselves at professional footballers because of their sensitivity, I am sure that it has more to do with their large pay packets. The question is why are black women given such a bad press and everyone else gets a free pass?

Thirdly, it really disappointed me that a lot of this cyber space bile was coming from black men. I know it’s not good to generalise but bear with me. I am sure that most of these men would happily state that they love their mothers dearly yet how come they have all this vitriol for women who most resemble their mothers?

At this point I know that many might think that I am anti-male raging feminist. I am not and have no desire to make film aiming to make all men look like misogynistic fools. That would be dull and untrue. However, it does seem that a lot of black men feel that they have the right to tell black women how to express their sexuality and that they should count themselves lucky if some dude wishes to make an honest woman out of her. That is just wrong on both counts.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Thanks

Sudelicious

P.S I am a feminist but I won’t be burning any bras.